Dienstag, 3. April 2012

TMNT Aliens?

They strike hard and fade away into the night...for they are the Teenage Mutant Alien Turtles! ...Wait, what????

Yepp, that's right! The Turtles will become ALIENS in the upcoming Micheal Bay Uber-Blockbuster, and I guess we will see a sh#@t load of explosions, terrible acting from a Victoria Secret Model in a yellow jumpsuit and highly militaristic green CGi Aliens. There will be no traces left of my beloved four street punks, who life in the severs of new york, eating pizza and occasionally beating the crap out of evil ninjas und hideous freaks from Dimension X.

Maybe some of you would say my prediction is a bit....bleak, but look what Mr. Explosions has done to another great franchise: Transformers. He took memorable characters like Optimus Prime, Starscream, Megatron, Ironhide, Soundwave, Hot Road and turned them into ugly, one-dimensional junkpiles only with precious product placement in mind. He cuts his scenes with the speed of light so nobody can follow whats actually going on. And of course there is an explosion every 2 min. or so. Even the whole movie felt like an advertisment for joining the US Millitary! (and we all know how Bay LOVES the armed forces of „gods own country“)

For those of you who can't recall the greatness of the source-material, or the ones who where misfortuned to grow up in the early 2000s here are some facts:

The Turtles are mutated from ACTUAL turtles via a substance called „ooze“ from a laboratory. The stuff siffed into the severs and altered tiny, cute, little, turtles (who where thrown away by some stupid child) into giant, humanoid MUTANT Turtles!! I think thats an actual statement against enviromental destruction and animal testing, two things nobody likes to hear.

They are trained in the art of ninjitsu by their father and sensei Splinter (yepp... a giant, talking rat who happens to know this stuff...).

They fight other Ninjas. Well, basicly its a streetgang known as „the foot-clan“ who happen to know ninja-stuff too..... Hey. It's the 90s!!! Everybody knew ninja-stuff these days! Ofcourse later in the story other mutants pop up and get their asses handed.... but evil ninjas stay the premisse.The whole story is the definition of pulp! It is ridiculous, fun and simply everything a child could hope for.

The whole idea of ninja turtles started of as a parodie to Frank Millar's interpretation of Daredevil, a Marvel Comics charakter who is trained by his master "stick" (-> Splinter)  and fights evil ninjas from a clan called "the hand" (-> Foot-Clan) conceived by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird.

The tone of the early comics was pretty grimm and dark with a bucket full of violence. This changed in the mid-90s with their re-vamp for a more childcompatible and easy going tone. This new Teenage Mutant Ninja (Hero) Turtles Television show became a landmark in their popularity. I can recall myself waking up at 6:00 and sneaking into the livingroom just to watch this crazy awesomness!!

So Mr.Bay. I'm eager how you care to explain why goddamn Aliens happen to know ancient martial-arts from earth. They have the technology to cross great interstellar distances (aliens always have....) but are living in the severs of NYC und fighting with swords, sais, nunchakus …. and a freaking stick????? Another thing crossed my mind too: Splinter is a giant talking rat, the turtles are giant talking …. Turtles. They are aliens. So there is a planet in the universe who is inhabeted by giant, talking animals (EARTH-Animals...). Don't get me wrong, this sounds absolutly awesome to me.....god i wanna live there... but it doesn't make ANY kind of sense to me (and that from a guy who is currently writing about mutated-ninja-turtles...).

Well what is left to say?
I see my childhood exploding in a multi-trillion-dollar explosion, melting the faces off from loveable icons like Starscream, Optimus Prime and soon to be: the TMNT!

I hate you Hollywood, I hate you!. (*waving my purple tentacles*)

PS: Keep your damn hands away from Thundercats, Silverhawks, Saber-Rider und Galaxy Rangers, Bay!!!!!!!!

1 Kommentar:

  1. haha, awesome!

    are you kidding me, mr. bay? turtles are turtles and aliens are aliens. it doesn't make any sense. you're ruin my childhood memories.


    i love your sacism.

    i think the world wide web needs more honest critics!

    can't wait to read more!